10 days since I erased Kaio from my facebook. It ain't right, I know, but it's the only thing I can do to keep my sanity. Weird enough that i'm managing but in reality i'm barely able to manage to get by without him. I just try to keep myself busy since and it has been working becasue I am quite busy with a lot of things right now. I'm doing my thesis which I still haven't really finished yet. I still don't know where to conduct my study. I'm also teaching the kids how to play volleyball so that pretty much takes my lag time. So I pretty much don't have time to think about him except when i'm home which I try to avoid as much as possible. 

Yesterday, around 4:30pm, I was so engrossed with my thesis when I heard Kaio's dogs barking loudly. I took a look and I saw his friends so that meant he was home. I was already planning to leave to teach the kids but I was thinking that I should concentrate on my thesis but I know I wouldn't be able to so I decided to just leave the house. We played and it was quite a good game we had. I'm proud that the kids are getting better at playing. I went home around 7pm but I saw Aldred and they wanted to go to Julienne's because it was her birthday. Unfortunately Eez wasn't home so we ended up canceling it. After about an hour, I heard them calling me outside so we hang out. It was around 9pm that I saw Kaio. By the looks of it, he was going to sleep over at his friend. I saw him looking down while he was walking past us. I also saw his friend looking at us. I thought he didn't see me but Eez reminded me that Kaio doesn't walk with his head down so I think it's either he saw me or he just wanted to avoid looking at Aldred and the others. It did eat me up to think he's mad at me but it's better this way coz I really don't want to be just friends with him anymore.

BTW, while I was playing volleyball, I saw a kid around Kaio's age and he looked like Kaio. Really yummy. I so wanted that kid too. So i guess he's more of lust than love but that doesn't mean I can't love him. I love Kaio but I can't let myself fall for him that way because I know I would just get hurt in the end. I will completely commit myself to him if we become a couple but if not, better avoid the topic and try to keep myself distracted. I might not be able to control my high blood anymore and that might lead me to literally have a heart attack. tsk3. I wouldn't mind dying to end my sufferings but I just don't have the courage to kill myself. Hoping everyday I die already is what I can only do. Fuck life. I just want to end mine.